“It snows over my smile today”.
There will always be some dates. Some reminders. Some thorns that will prick, pierce and make me bleed sometimes. It’s been Fifteen Years today. It seems like an eternity. It seems like it was yesterday.
I remember it was a sunny day. I was young, a teenage girl. I remember where I was sitting, here, outside, and with whom. I remember my mother running towards me, and my thoughts racing. Of course, I thought something bad just happened. I thought it was GrandPa, you see.
Daddy, seriously, I would have never thought it could have been you.
After that, everything’s blurry. Curtains of tears, questions, too many questions. Rivers of guilt, wanting to devour me alive. I drowned and I suffocated in silence because you don’t scream, especially when you’re screaming alone.
It took some time. At least to be able to say ‘I feel better’. And moreover not to feel guilty about it. Because, that’s the thing when you’re in mourning all by yourself if you let it go, if you do it properly, at some point there’s no more mourning to be in. Do the memories go away as well? I thought it was a duty of remembrance, you know, to drag my guilt. If I’m not the guilty one, who will it be? If I’m not in mourning, who will be? I would be a serious bad daughter if I can’t even honour my dad’s memory properly if I’m not the one who will testify of his very own existence. I vouched for it. As long as I will be in mourning, it’ll be a little bit like you were still alive.
This pact with myself, this pact with a dead body, it was like an anchor on my feet when the sun is shining below the sea. In the end, you can’t really reach the surface. In the end, I couldn’t heal properly from you.
Did this journey change that? I’m not sure. I prefer to think that this change was already starting to happen a little while ago. Perhaps I needed a drastic change. Perhaps I needed to break away from everything, literally and figuratively.
I needed to cut the cord with a dead body.
Daddy, I loved you. I still do. But I don’t want to suffer like this anymore.
Today I was crawling in a glow worm cave, smiling like a kid.
Today is a hell of a beautiful day to live.